The B-word

That's it. I'm making it official.

Balance is hard as a parent. It doesn't matter if you stay at home, if you work 60 hours a week or anything in between. At the moment, I have 6 1/2 to 7 hours a day at home by myself. I can run errands as needed by myself, take care of chores, and most importantly, try to find a job.

At least in theory.

It seems like it should be ideal. And there are probably some days I could have managed a little more efficiently, but I seriously just can't seem to get a handle on it. Combine the incredible amount of time my resume and portfolio are taking (the downside of being a design professional), the difficulty lately of getting Todd down to sleep at bedtime and the multiple interruptions of the my sleep overnight...and ugh.

I'm not totally overwhelmed and I don't want to be a complainer. I am blessed in SO many ways and we're going to be fine. The uncertainty isn't fun, but somehow I'll find something. I guess I was just hoping by now that my job materials would be done and my job hunting time would be limited to reading job ads and networking. And I also hoped that by now we would have a cleaner house. ;-)

I guess this is also a confession. I know stay at home moms who have gone through similar sleep issues to what Todd is putting me through now. I always assumed that it would be easier to deal with if I stayed home rather than working full time. Sadly, it really isn't. Maybe a *tiny* bit easier - I admit I took a 3 hour nap today. But now I feel behind on everything else. And I was only able to take one because I was so incredibly exhausted that my brain couldn't do anything else. I've tried other times in the past couple of weeks, and I wasn't able to fall asleep because my brain was just so active, thinking of all of the things that needed to be done.

The other balance issue at the moment is that I feel like I shouldn't be doing chores while I'm with the kids, because they are still going to daycare. But, at the same time I need to be using the hours that they are gone to find a job. And, as I mentioned, I haven't been able to do as much after their bedtime since Todd isn't consistently going to bed on time. So it kind of stinks to be in the kitchen making dinner while R is in the backyard playing with them. But afternoon is my most productive time on the computer and I usually look up when it is time to leave to get them, and I haven't done any dinner prep yet.

In the grand scheme of things, this too shall pass. Todd's sleep is bound to improve (hopefully before it gets worse) and maybe with today's nap I'll have the energy to make the next couple of days super-productive.

Consider this a record of one of those difficult times, the appreciation of what I have and the realization that the grass isn't necessarily greener anywhere else.

Look at that. I've got 15 minutes to (try to) prep dinner before I have to leave to pick up the kids.

The 'B' Word

I hate to even say it or think it. Sometimes I feel like I'm always striving for it. But really, the parts of my life that the roller coaster ride feels free and easy is when I'm probably acheiving it and the uphill parts of the roller coaster are those times that it is elusive and seemingly totally out of my sights.

Balance.

The past few days have been all about trying to achieve it. Each decision about how to spend my time was carefully considered. You see, I had a lot of work to do to prepare for a trip tomorrow. So I tried to schedule my extra time at work at times that limited my time away from Heather. I stayed late Friday night. I brought work home with me for Saturday, to do while she napped and was in bed. I managed to finish the work Saturday night but still needed to go into work to print things out today.

In favor of time with Heather and R, I stayed home for the morning and for brunch. When we returned home and Heather was winding down, I went to work to do my printing and then to today's knitting get-together. It took quite a while to decide whether or not to go. But in the end, I decided that I had made sufficient sacrifices of my time to work so that it was worth having an hour for me at knitting.

It's still difficult that I won't see Heather at all tomorrow (we're not staying overnight, but I probably won't be home until after her bedtime)...but it would be much harder if I felt like I hadn't seen her all weekend, too.

Looking ahead, I have "Amy" weekends planned in both February and March. The february one just involves daytime hours away and the march one is an overnight trip. While I know that I deserve it and I will have no regrets, I can imagine that the days before and after them will be like the last few have been. Sacrificing personal time and chore time in order to maximize quality time with Heather.

There is, of course, also a subplot in my brain about Heather's life after May when my attention will be divided even further. :-)

Ah, motherhood...