Sunday, January 25, 2009

The 'B' Word

I hate to even say it or think it. Sometimes I feel like I'm always striving for it. But really, the parts of my life that the roller coaster ride feels free and easy is when I'm probably acheiving it and the uphill parts of the roller coaster are those times that it is elusive and seemingly totally out of my sights.


The past few days have been all about trying to achieve it. Each decision about how to spend my time was carefully considered. You see, I had a lot of work to do to prepare for a trip tomorrow. So I tried to schedule my extra time at work at times that limited my time away from Heather. I stayed late Friday night. I brought work home with me for Saturday, to do while she napped and was in bed. I managed to finish the work Saturday night but still needed to go into work to print things out today.

In favor of time with Heather and R, I stayed home for the morning and for brunch. When we returned home and Heather was winding down, I went to work to do my printing and then to today's knitting get-together. It took quite a while to decide whether or not to go. But in the end, I decided that I had made sufficient sacrifices of my time to work so that it was worth having an hour for me at knitting.

It's still difficult that I won't see Heather at all tomorrow (we're not staying overnight, but I probably won't be home until after her bedtime)...but it would be much harder if I felt like I hadn't seen her all weekend, too.

Looking ahead, I have "Amy" weekends planned in both February and March. The february one just involves daytime hours away and the march one is an overnight trip. While I know that I deserve it and I will have no regrets, I can imagine that the days before and after them will be like the last few have been. Sacrificing personal time and chore time in order to maximize quality time with Heather.

There is, of course, also a subplot in my brain about Heather's life after May when my attention will be divided even further. :-)

Ah, motherhood...

1 comment:

K,S,M and R M said...

The B word... I struggle with that too!